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TITLE: A Satedan's First Christmas
AUTHOR: squidgiepdx
FANDOM: Stargate Atlantis
CHARACTERS: Ronon Dex, Evan Lorne, David Parrish, Rodney McKay, John Sheppard, Teyla Emmagan, Radek Zelenka, Miko Kusanagi, Elizabeth Weir, Carson Beckett, Laura Cadman, Stackhouse, Markham
PAIRINGS: Porndex (Parrish/Lorne/Dex), secondary McKay/Sheppard
WORDS: 2,923
SUMMARY: Ronon sets himself up for a challenge before Christmas
NOTES: Not betaed.  Inspired by a conversation with esteefee for a prompt I had.  Additionally, I threw the SGA timeline out of the window.  More notes are at the end (otherwise I'll spoil the surprise!)


Ronon was using everything in his arsenal that he'd learned in his long history as a Runner to track his latest prey, though he wasn't used to having to do it through the halls of Atlantis.  The familiarity allowed him to move through the city with ease, though it was nothing like tracking in the wild, where a broken branch or a barely-visible imprint in the dirt led him to his prey.  Yes, tracking on Atlantis was different.  But he adapted, and would soon be successful.

He hunches behind a bunch of pallets still unpacked from the latest Daedalus resupply shipment and steps back just in time, seeing his target turn back and look around, almost nervously.  He waits, listening for her footfalls, and resumes the hunt when he knows it is safe, carefully approaching her from behind.  His intuition had been correct; he figured she would be approaching the armory, and smiles, knowing everything would be ready for her.

Ronon takes a shortcut through another group of supplies and silently climbs to the top, his footing sure.  He had to time it just right, so he can take her by surprise.  She was one of the last of his prey, and with time growing short, he had to make his move.  Soon.

Watching the figure approach through the dimly lit hallway towards the door to the armory, Ronon kneels, ignoring the burn in his quads.  As she approaches the door, he knows it's now or never, and jumps down just as she waves her hand at the door sensor to enter.

"Ronon!" Cadman exclaims at his unexpected presence.  "Oh shit..." she says, voice barely a whisper.  Ronon just smiles, then looks to the top of the doorway, and then back to the Marine.  "Seriously?" she asks.

Ronon grabs her, dipping her with intent, and claiming her mouth.  "Merry Christmas, Cadman," he says as he rights both their bodies, grinning when he sees her eyes focusing on the mistletoe he's planted above the doorway.

Two Weeks Previous

Ronon sits in his room, (well, the room that he, David Parrish, and Evan Lorne had moved into once David and Evan had accepted them into their relationship; Atlantis' first official triad) reading over mission reports from the SG-4 team.  While on a routine trade-off of goods, one of the scientists spotted geoglyphs from the air, “not unlike the Nazca lines on Earth,” one of the archeologists had reported, though they were Ancient in origin based on the symbology used.  He and his team were chosen to go back to the planet and see if they could come up with anything to back up the claim.

Studying the report, he barely nods when Evan and David enter.

"Hey Ronon," Evan says.  "You wanna come with us?"  As if to answer Ronon's quizzical look, Evan continues, saying, "We're going to the mainland to get a Christmas Tree."

"Christmas tree?" Ronon asks.

"Well, there aren't any actual fir trees here in Pegasus," David offers, "but there's a little forest outside of the Athosian settlement that contains a bunch of conifer-like trees."

"You mean the ones McKay's allergic to?" Ronon asks.

"What isn't McKay allergic to?" Evan offers, each man offering a laugh.  After a beat, Evan says, "It's almost Christmas on Earth, but we thought we'd get a tree just for our room.  My mom even sent some ornaments."  He goes to a panel at the back of the room and grabs a box filled with a multitude of colorful, shiny ornaments, showing them to Ronon.  "Figure all we need is a tree and a stand."

"Everyone's been talking about this Christmas thing," Ronon says as he gets up.  Grabbing a kiss from each man, he adds, "Maybe you two need to explain it to me."

"We can do that," David says, adding a yelp as Ronon pinches his backside.  "There's actually quite a lot to learn about the holiday season, what with the trees and presents and Santa and dreidels and mistletoe."

"Missiles?" Ronon asks.  "So we get to shoot things?  Like Santa?"

Evan and David share a laugh as they guide Ronon out of the room.  "No.  No shooting" Evan says.  Looking at David, he says, "I told you we shouldn't have let him watch that Futurama episode with the evil Santa Claus!"


All three men get in the 'jumper and head out, half the people in the control room asking for their own Christmas trees when they hear what the men are up to.  Ronon lets David take co-pilot and stands between the men, fingering the axe that they'd brought along.  When Ronon had picked it up from the supply room, neither David nor Evan had the heart to tell them they should be using a saw, not an axe.  And since Ronon was acting a bit like a kid on Christmas morning (it was his first Christmas, after all), they let it pass.

"How 'bout this one?" Ronon asks for what feels like the twentieth time.

Evan and David look at the seventy foot tree Ronon's pointing to.  "Remember, Chewie.  It's got to fit in our room."

"Chewie?" David asks, looking at Evan.  With a tsk sound, he adds, "You've been hanging out with Sheppard too much."  He grabs the arms of each man, directing them further into the forest.  After a quick walk, they come upon a section of trees that are not only perfectly shaped for Christmas trees, but the tallest one is all of five feet.  "Pick one of these, Ronon," he says, gesturing to the selection surrounding them.

Ronon walks the area with intent, focusing on a perfectly shaped tree that stood a little over four feet tall.  "This one," he says, pointing.  "Hardly worth bringing this for, though," he says, dropping the axe to his side.  He goes to his knees and puts both hands around the base of the tree, snapping the tree like a twig and letting it fall to the ground.

"Jesus," David says, still awed at Ronon's brut strength.

"And just think," Evan says with a wink, "he had those hands wrapped around your cock last night," making David blush ever so slightly.

"This okay?" he asks, earning a nod from both men.  "Cool," he adds, then moves closer to David and Evan, never leaving his knees.  He pulls Evan down to join him while letting his other hand cup David through his pants.  "Wanna have some fun?" he asks Evan, earning a nod from the man.  After a kiss, both men turn their attention to David, Ronon grinning as he brings both men off, then leans back, letting them have their way with him.


"So you have actual mistletoe?" Evan asks on their way back to the jumper as he pulls a pine needle from his hair.

"Yep," David says with a smile.  "Talked Sam into smuggling me in some on a Daedalus run a few months back.  I had to promise, though, that if McKay got caught under it, there had to be pictures."  Turning back to survey the land they were flying over, he adds, "She said something about blackmail or something...  I've got a bunch of it in greenhouse 14."

"Sounds like something Colonel Carter would do," Evan says with a laugh.

"Mistletoe?" Ronon asks.  "That's the stuff that makes you kiss somebody if you're underneath it, right?"

Both Evan and David nod.  "Basically, yeah," Evan replies.

"Cool," Ronon says.  "Mind if I use some of it?" he asks, voice sounding innocent, though not fooling anyone.

"Yeah," Evan says with a twinkle in his eye, then smiling at David.  "I'm sure David would let you use some of it."

The threesome end up back in their room, Ronon hauling their tree over one shoulder, and spend the evening decorating it, Ronon enjoying the stories of Evan and David's youth and their own Christmases.  Once the presents come out, he realizes he needs to get something for his partners, thinking what would best suit them.

They go to bed that night with smiles on their faces, and if Ronon goes to the senior staff meeting the next morning with tinsel in his hair, he'll never admit how it got there.


Four days later, after Ronon is back from his mission with Sheppard, Teyla, and McKay to the geoglyphs planet, he manages to quietly detour to greenhouse 14 and absconds with some of David's mistletoe, then disappears around Atlantis, stealthily planting it around the city.


"Parrish to Lorne," David says over the radio.

Evan keys his radio.  "Lorne here.  What's up, David?" he asks.

"Be on the lookout for errant mistletoe, Major," David says.  "Ronon seems to have gotten away with half my crop."

"Half?" Evan asks, voice incredulous.  "What would he do with all that mistletoe?"

David and Evan would soon find out.


The first sprig of mistletoe is found hanging at the entrance of the mess hall, tied up neatly with a velvety red ribbon.  Ronon stands nearby, almost pouncing on Sheppard as he goes to meet McKay for lunch, though Sheppard spots it at the last moment and moves to the side, thwarting Ronon. 

Radek Zelenka, however, isn't so lucky.  He walks into the mess, nose buried in a report and missing the hanging plant.  It's not until Ronon grabs and dips him, claiming his mouth, that he focuses on anything other than his report.  He lets the papers float to the floor, arms grabbing onto Ronon's massive biceps, and returns the kiss.

"Merry Christmas, Radek," Ronon says, then looks up, guiding the scientist to where the plant swayed above their heads.

"Merry Christmas, Ronon," Radek manages as Ronon rights him.  Ronon whacks him on the butt, then heads into the mess to get lunch.

From that point on, the entire expedition is on alert to Ronon and his covertly-planted mistletoe, though with Ronon's stealth, each member is caught unaware.

Miko Kusanagi is caught when she heads to the gym for a yoga class, and turns bright red as he releases her.  She, on the other hand, keeps an arm around him, almost dragging him away - yoga class be damned.

Chuck gets it when he sits down at his desk in the control room, not seeing the plant as it hangs from the ceiling, some twenty feet above his station.  Ronon smiles as he releases the man, then tugs at the wire holding it above Chuck's station, thinking of where to reposition it.

Ronon may carry a piece of mistletoe dangling from a long stick, but it's mostly a ruse to distract the security team surrounding Todd, the Wraith.  After each guard is kissed stupid, he says, "Give me a minute, guys,", turns the forcefield off, and opens Todd's cell, holding the mistletoe to his side. 

"What is this weed," Todd asks.

Ronon just cocks his head with a curious look, then grabs his gun and stuns Todd.  He smiles even bigger when he hears Todd's body hit the floor, laughs with the chuckling Marines, then leaves the cell area, tossing the plant in front of him.

Elizabeth is trickier than most, since she often shows up in her office before most people are awake, and leaves way past the time most of the expedition is in bed.  So Ronon hangs out in her private bathroom for three hours and waits.

When one of her routine meetings finally gets out, she walks into the bathroom, Ronon ready for her.  She shuts the door behind her and is suddenly face-to-face with the Satedan.  With a glint in his eye, he just smiles and holds a piece of mistletoe between his fingers, dangling it over her head.  She smiles at him, and leans up, Ronon dropping a kiss on her lips, then grins as he heads out of the confined space.

He gets Teyla when she and Sheppard are just about to begin sparring, finding a piece of mistletoe glued to the end of one of her sticks.

Beckett seems a little trickier, so he plans for a couple of days.  Under the guise of visiting Sergeant Markham in the infirmary after a mission gone bad, he finally manages to connect with Carson by planting a sprig of the plant on an IV pole.  Markham laughs as Carson's eyes go big from the kiss.

"Yeah, well," Ronon says, then leans down and drops a kiss on Markham's lips, careful not to injure the man further.

"Hey, hey, hey," Stackhouse calls as he walks into the room, seeing his partner being kissed by the Satedan.  Ronon smiles, then grabs the plant from the IV pole and holds it over Stackhouse's head, giving him the same chaste kiss he'd just given Markham.

Ronon manages to get the majority of the expedition when he volunteers to help out on one of Atlantis' movie nights.  He installs a piece of the plant under the eves of the main entrance to the auditorium, claiming a kiss as people pass him to enter. 

Sheppard and McKay seem harder to get, and he grumbles about it to David and Evan one night as the three men lay in bed.  With two days before Christmas, he's down to just a small handful of people, and is bound and determined to get them before Christmas day.

"You know..." David says after Ronon recounts all the things he's tried to catch the men.

"What?" Ronon asks.

David just reaches up, and plays with a dreadlock that hangs from Ronon's head, covering one eye.  Ronon instantly gets what David is thinking, and the two share a smile.


Ronon sits in his usual chair for Elizabeth's senior staff meeting, smiling at people as the enter.  "What, no more molesting, lad?" Carson says as he takes a seat next to the man, his voice holding no heat but rather conveying a jovial tone.

"Just a couple left," Ronon says, then smiles when he sees John and Rodney entering together, John wearing Rodney's 'I'm With Stupid' shirt.  Both men stop in the doorway and look around, nodding to each other when they both deem it safe to enter.

Ronon grabs McKay as he goes to sit down, McKay protesting the entire time.  "Get off me, caveman!" he calls, silenced only when he presses his lips to the scientists'.  As he lets go of the man, Rodney looks around and protests, "But... But there's no mistletoe around here!"

With a smile, Ronon grabs one of the dreadlocks that hangs in front of his right eye and dangles it, grinning even larger when McKay sees the bit of mistletoe mixed in with the hair.

"Oh shit," Ronon hears from his side, but before Sheppard can make an escape, Ronon grabs him, twisting the Colonel's shirt with his big hand, and kisses the man deeply, grinning when he hears the start of a moan coming from Sheppard.

Ronon ignores the catcalls and only releases the man when McKay bustles with, "Okay, okay.  Enough, He-Man."

Grabbing the dreadlock and dangling it between his fingers, Ronon looks at McKay mischievously and asks, "You want another go?"  Which is how he ends up chasing the scientist around the conference room table, laughing as the man yelps.

"How about we get back to business?" Elizabeth pleads.  Rodney stumbles into a chair and Ronon just smiles, then leans in to claim one more kiss from Elizabeth before taking his own seat.

"Do you think you finally have this urge out of your system, Ronon?" Teyla asks him as the meeting adjourns.

"Just got Cadman left," he says.  "She's been tricky."

"I think I might be able to help with that," John offers.  Which is why, at Atlantis' Christmas Eve dinner, he casually brings up the need for more target practice under the guise of kicking off the new year with a major Wraith-killing initiative.


Ronon wakes with the pleasant pressure of Lorne spooned behind him, and his own massive arms around David.  Dropping a kiss to David's shoulder, he whispers, "Is it Christmas?"

Parrish turns to face his two partners, kissing both in turn.  "Come on, guys," he says, pulling them from the bed with the energy of a child on Christmas morning, finally releasing their hands as they sit next to the tree.

The threesome exchange modest gifts, the holiday more about being together than anything else.  Ronon pulls two small packages from under the tree, handing one to each man.  "Merry Christmas, guys," he says, mirthful expression on his face.

"You didn't have to..." Lorne starts.  He opens his present, finding one of his old paintbrushes - a favorite that had gone missing a month previous.  Except now, the handle had been intricately carved with a familiar pattern.  "Thanks," he says with a smile as he runs his fingers over the complex design of the city of Atlantis down one side of the polished wood.

David carefully opens his package, and finds a leather binder in the carefully wrapped box, carefully carved with what looks like a replica of their Christmas tree, complete with presents.  "Wow..." he says, running his hand over the design.  "Thanks, Ronon," he says, then grabs each man for a kiss.  "Merry Christmas, guys."

"Merry Christmas," Evan says, then pulls each man to their feet, and guides them back to bed for a Christmas morning snuggle-fest.


NOTES THE SECOND: This is for clwilson2006, who left me an awesome prompt in scarlet_gryphon's journal that said, "Porndex - Teaching Ronon Christmas (or holiday or your choice) traditions (Bonus point if Ronons favourite thing is mistletoe)"


( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 24th, 2011 03:27 pm (UTC)
I love Ronon and mistletoe!

Dec. 24th, 2011 06:27 pm (UTC)
YAY!!! I'm glad you liked it. I loved this concept, and hope it came through with the story! :)
Dec. 24th, 2011 03:41 pm (UTC)
SO sweet!!
Dec. 24th, 2011 06:27 pm (UTC)
Thank you!!!
Dec. 24th, 2011 03:53 pm (UTC)
*cackles!* That was hilarious!
Dec. 24th, 2011 06:28 pm (UTC)
Thanks!!! I knew I had to write something light-hearted when I got the prompt. Just seems to start out harsh/gritty is all. Glad you liked it!
Dec. 25th, 2011 12:08 am (UTC)
OH. MY. LORD. Once I realized what Ronon was up to? I couldn't stop laughing/giggling/snorting/some combination thereof.

"What is this weed," had me rolling in the floor! I just love the idea of Ronon mischievously sneaking about Atlantis, snaring unsuspecting colleagues and teammates under the mistletoe. And sooo glad I wasn't drinking anything when I read this, or my laptop would have been destroyed. ;-)

Thank you SO MUCH for this jewel. It has just become my must-read story for Christmastime! :-D
Dec. 25th, 2011 06:41 am (UTC)
I'm glad you liked it! I dropped that bit in with Todd 'cause I knew Ronon would enjoy stunning him, while he has fun. And have fun, he certainly did!!! :)
Dec. 28th, 2011 12:24 am (UTC)
That's simply gorgeous!
Loved it, loved it, loved it :)
Dec. 28th, 2011 12:29 am (UTC)
Thanks!!! I loved the prompt - clwilson2006 has the best plot bunnies! :)
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )

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