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Title: Accustomed to Your Face
Pairing: John/Rodney
Categories: crackful, h/c, IDEK
Rating: PG
Words: 2,405
Warnings: cannibalistic lemur and abuse of CMO clone
Summary: Rodney brings back an unauthorized primate thingie from a recent trade mission and Bad Things Happen.
Lemurs are dangerous, people.
A/N: This is all lar_laughs's fault. I swear.

Accustomed to Your Face

by esteefee

"You ate the michi berries the villagers told us not to," John said to Rodney, eying the fuzzy, golden-eyed critter he had stuffed in his tac vest. "It's the only explanation I can think of. You're not feeling well, buddy."

"What? No, it's...look, cute, I mean, it's an alien primate, okay? I'm sure the xenobiologists will have a field day. They're always saying I don't do anything for them."

"Yeah, only I think they're talking about allotting them more field missions, not bringing them back potentially diseased and dangerous wildlife."

"Dangerous!" Rodney pulled out the fuzzy creature with the big, round eyes and shoved it at John. "Look at this face!"

John jerked back, making Ronon snort a laugh.

"What?" John glared at the traitor and dusted off his vest. "D'you see the claws on that thing?"

"They're for climbing trees," Rodney explained.

"And for tearing the flesh from its prey," John muttered, ignoring Teyla's giggly, "I think it's quite adorable, Colonel."

They weren't going to take him seriously on this. Any of them. Those big damned eyes had taken them all in.

"Then you guys get to explain to Woolsey why we broke protocol," he warned, and he dialed the gate.


"Attention! Attention! Security officers needed in Dr. Beckett's quarters. Repeat! Security officers needed in Dr. Beckett's quarters! Please send medical team as well."

John was already in motion toward the transporter, one hand on his radio. "What's the situation, Chuck?"

"It's, uh, an animal attack, sir. Dr. McKay called it in."

John had a feeling he knew why Rodney hadn't radioed him directly. "I'm on my way. Who else is coming?"

"Sergeant Ngo and Corporal Pearson. They're stopping to pick up stunners from the armory."

"Terrific. Sheppard out." The transporter doors opened with a whoosh and John went running down the corridor. As he neared Carson's old quarters he heard a bang against the door, and pulled his Glock. "Doc? I'm coming in!" he yelled, and swiped his palm over the door control.

"Filthy bugger!" he heard Carson yell, and ducked as a laptop came flying at his head.

"Hey! That's expensive equipment," Rodney said, and then hid behind John. "Sheppard, reason with the man."

"Reason!" Carson's normally pale face was bright red. "Reason with my left foot, ya daft numpty!"

John looked down and saw that Carson's foot was bleeding pretty badly. "Jeez, Carson, what happened?"

"I'll tell you what happened—Rodney's little pet tried to bite my bloody foot off! Damned near succeeded, too," he added, slumping down onto the bed to elevate his leg.

Rodney scoffed. "It's just your pinkie toe—"

Carson howled with indignation.

"I mean, what use is a pinkie toe, anyway?"

John bit his lip. "So where is the critter?"

"Ah, um." Rodney waved. "Around here somewhere? He's really very...I mean, I don't know what got into him. I just brought him by to have Carson look at him and he went nuts—"

"The creature is a menace!"

"Right, okay." John holstered his Glock and went over to the bed to strip a pillowcase from one of the pillows. "Tell you what. Med team is on the way, Carson. We'll just get you over to the infirmary, and when the SOs get here with the stunners, we'll take care of your critter problem."

"Thank you, Colonel," Carson said with deep sincerity. "I suggest you incinerate the creature."

"No!" Rodney gasped. "What?"

"It's what we do with harmful beasties, isn't it?" Carson said. "I'm sure Dr. Biro will put him down for you first if you ask nicely."

And, wow, John had no idea Carson could be quite so snide. On the other hand, he was speaking as a man with only nine toes.

Just then, the door binged, and the med team swooped in with a gurney. Carson explained the situation, and they transferred him efficiently. "I'd better have a rabies shot while I'm at it," Carson said. "And I expect to find my quarters clean of any blood stains before I return," he added regally as they wheeled him out.

"Well, that was pleasant," Rodney said. "What a big baby."

John stared at him.


"Nothing. We'd better find this thing fast."



"His name is Oscar. Oscar Tennyson."

"Oh, I'd say his name is 'toast' after this little incident," John said. "He attacked a member of the medical team completely unprovoked. Hell, he tried to eat our ex-CMO."

Rodney spluttered.

"Anyway, how'd 'Oscar' get up here? Isn't he supposed to be quarantined down in the xeno lab right about now?"

Rodney gave him a round-eyed, pitiful look that was not to be believed. "I went down there to check in on him and do you know what those barbarians—they had him trapped in this cramped little cage. We don't even know what his environmental requirements are! It was awful. He looked sick. So I thought I'd ask Beckett to take a look at him."

"Beckett is a human doc."

"Oh, please. The man works with sheep."

John heard a warbling, trilling sound coming from the corner of the ceiling. "Oh, here we go. Okay, stay back, Rodney." But before John could do more than lift the pillowcase, there was a shriek and a flash of gold, and fire slashed across John's cheek.

John cursed and spun around, but Oscar had already darted off into Beckett's bedroom.

"Terrific," John started, "lets—" But Rodney waved his hands, his eyes looking huge and horrified.

"Your face!"

"Yeah. He got me pretty good." John felt blood running down his cheek.

"He-he cut your face!"

John raised his shoulder and pressed his cheek against it. "Good observation, there."

"But I...well, that's not—I like your face," Rodney said in a rush. "The way it is, I mean. Your face."

John blinked.

Rodney stared.

Blood dripped onto John's neck. "Oh. Okay. Um."


John grinned suddenly, but a warble from the other room had him spinning and raising the pillowcase.

"Don't!" Rodney grabbed his arm. "He obviously feels threatened by it."

"Well, he'd probably feel a lot more threatened if I pulled my Glock," John said as patiently as he could. "He's already chowed down on Beckett's toe, Rodney." John tapped his radio, "Ngo, Pearson, where the heck are you two?"

"Sorry, sir. We couldn't get into the locker where the stunners—"

John clicked off. "Jesus. Keystone Cops, these guys."

"Let me try. He seems to like me."



"You are not going to get your fingers eaten by this thing," John said, but Rodney was already stalking into the bedroom.

"Oscar? Oscar Tennyson II, you come out here right now."

"The second? Why the second?" John unsnapped his weapon just in case.

"Oscar the First was my cat."

Well. That explained a lot. "Rodney, this thing is not your pet. You’re a little unhinged here, buddy."

But before John could shove Rodney behind him, Oscar bounded up and right into Rodney's arms warbling like a maniac.

"There we go," Rodney said. "He likes it when I rub him behind his cheek." Rodney turned, and Oscar stared at John, his big, golden eyes gleaming with malice.


That's when Ngo and Pearson walked in and stunned the little fucker, to John's tremendous relief.


"I don't see why we have to take him back," Rodney was grumbling as Dr. Kaan put in John's stitches. "Careful!" Rodney said suddenly. "Not too tight."

"I'm sure she's doing a great job," John said. "Calm down."

"But the edges have to be perfect. Do you want to be hideously scarred for life?"

"I dunno. Maybe it'll make me look rakish. What do you think, Doc?"

The doc didn't seem amused. "There won't be any scarring."

"Good." Rodney sat down and appeared to calm down a little. "Xeno said Oscar probably won't recover from the stun before tomorrow. So I might not even get a chance to say goodbye."

"That might be better, buddy. Don't want the little guy to get too attached."

"I suppose." Rodney sighed heavily.

John winced when the scissors flashed near his cheek. Then there was another tug as the needle dug into his skin again. "Hey," he said, trying to distract himself, "tell me about Oscar the First."

"He's with my neighbor. I send email every so often for her to read to him."

"Hope you don't tell him anything classified."

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Oh, ha. No, just about...you know. My ever-evolving grand unified theory and, uh. The team." He cleared his throat. "How you're taking care of me."

John's ears got a little warm. The scissors snipped again, and then Kaan pressed his cheek hard with some gauze before taping a bandage over it. It crinkled uncomfortably when he moved his face, but he supposed he'd have to deal.

"Don't get it wet for two days. Then back in a week to get them removed."

"Yes, ma'am. Thank you."

She cracked a smile.

"C'mon. You owe me dinner," John said, grabbing Rodney by the elbow and ignoring the squawk as he tugged him out.


"This is...unexpected," Rodney said, looking bowled over. "I mean, an amazingly nice thing, don't get me wrong, but unexpected—not that you can't do nice. You are a nice person." His voice rose a little at the end.

"I am, it's true," John said. He eyed the large cage he'd had transported from Xeno Sciences that was sitting in the corner of his quarters, and the golden-furred creature fast asleep in the bed at its center. John paid particular attention to the lock on the door. "C'mon, let's eat."

"Yes, let's," Rodney said, eyes still on Oscar as he joined John on the bed with his tray.

The fare was middling tonight—beastloaf and bean soup and purple string beans, but at least the food was soft, because John wasn't good for much chewing with one half of his face bandaged up. He took it slow, one mouthful at a time, but after a few bites got frustrated enough to get up and go to the bathroom to remove the bandage.

He examined the wound in the mirror, ugly stitches and all. The gash ran from the bottom of his cheekbone to the start of his jaw, around fifteen stitches in all, but Doc Kaan had done a good job, all right. The edges of the wound matched perfectly, the seam solid. The scar would probably be unnoticeable after a year or so.

His cheek felt much better with the cool air hitting it, and he went back to finish his meal. But he could feel Rodney's eyes on him now.

"It's fine," John said, because he couldn't take those wide, blue eyes beaming guilt at him. "It'll heal up nice. Doc promised."

"It's all my fault," Rodney said. "Me and missing my stupid cat."

"Hey, Oscar isn't stupid. He's got McKay's Grand Unified Theory under his belt."

Rodney snorted and looked down at his tray.

"So." John elbowed him. "You kinda like my dumb face."

Pink traveled up Rodney's neck. "Don't get too vain about it."

"Kinda hard now that I look like Al Pacino."

Rodney's entire face winced.

"Kidding. I'm kidding. You think I care?"

Blue eyes flicked up at him then back down. "I do," Rodney said, his voice gone rough.

"Aw, buddy. C'mon." John's heart was beating a little fast. He took Rodney's tray then stacked it with his own on the floor.

"What?" Rodney said, sounding nervous. He still wouldn't look at John's face.

"I just think it'll be weird if you can't look at me for however long it takes for this thing to get better. Might take a while."

"Can so." Rodney raised his chin stubbornly, but his eyes seemed stuck on John's chest.

"Uh-huh. Real convincing."

"You're a pain in the ass."

"That's what they tell me."

Rodney's eyes finally traveled upward, flickering once before settling on John's cheek. He winced again, and John tried to grin at him.

"Not too bad, right?"

Rodney scowled. "Are you serious? It's hideous! It looks like a giant, deadly purple and black caterpillar crawling on your face. God, I ruined your face. I liked your face—stop laughing! Why are you laughing! This is awful! This is a catastroph—mmph!"

Kissing Rodney, especially when his lips were still moving frantically, was kind of awesome. It got even better when he realized what was happening and seemed to melt, his mouth opening, tongue curling out to meet John's, tentative and then a little pushy and eager and all over the place.

But it hurt John's cheek to open his mouth too wide, so he backed off until they were just nipping at each other, lips brushing softly.

When John pulled away, Rodney's eyes were half-open and a little glazed.

"Okay, I—that was—you meant to do that, right?"

It would be way too painful for John to raise his eyebrow right now, but somehow the gist got through because Rodney immediately said, "Right, right, scratch that—" He grinned broadly. "Honestly, this is...well, unexpected to say the least, but I heartily endorse it. Sex, with you, that is." But then Rodney's eyes flickered over to John's cheek.

"It'll be fine," John said again.

"Can I?" Rodney said, raising his hand.

Careful, John didn't say, but Rodney was, his touch barely there as he traced John's cheek beside the wound, not quite touching, a fierce frown on his face.

"Hey," John said, heart sinking a little. "You think that's something, wait until you see my skinny ass—"

"Oh, please," Rodney snapped. "It's not that. It's just that—don't you get it? I feel responsible. And I've grown accustomed to your, er."


"You'll look different. That's all." Rodney's chin went stubborn.

"Right." John grinned and ducked back in for another kiss, light and fast. Rodney made a noise against his mouth that made John's neck hot, made his groin tighten up.

Then a warbling sound came from the corner of the room.

"Fuck," John muttered, and pulled back.

"Oscar!" Rodney cried.

John looked over and saw those big golden eyes glaring at him. Oscar's claws were curled around the bars of his cage right next to the lock.

Oscar blinked, and his claws went tap-tap-tap.

"Aw, he wants to come out and play," Rodney said. "Can we?"

John groaned.


golden-eyed lemur nibbling on something. caption reads I'm in UR City nibbling on UR CMO.


( 45 comments — Leave a comment )
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Jul. 8th, 2012 11:43 am (UTC)

ETA: in every sense... :)

Edited at 2012-07-08 11:44 am (UTC)
Jul. 8th, 2012 11:47 am (UTC)
oh, ICON MATCH FTW! heheheh.

at least Oscar didn't wake up when certain important bits were exposed! eeep!
(no subject) - mific - Jul. 8th, 2012 11:52 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - esteefee - Jul. 16th, 2012 10:19 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jul. 8th, 2012 11:57 am (UTC)
The things Rodney will do for a pet.

Ahem. Take that as you will... *grin*
Jul. 8th, 2012 07:03 pm (UTC)
haha, I *will*. <3 <3 <3
Jul. 8th, 2012 12:00 pm (UTC)
Pure awesome fun! ^_^ Love that Rodney has a soft spot for cute furry things, 'cause he's missing his cat :) And poor Carson must miss his toe :D

Love the sweet ending too, just hope they make sure Oscar is in his cage, and preferably behind several locked doors, before they go any further than kissing ;) (I have a feeling he's more intellingent than he lets on...)

Thanks for brightening up my day! ^_^
Jul. 8th, 2012 07:04 pm (UTC)
just hope they make sure Oscar is in his cage, and preferably behind several locked doors

a sound plan. :) thank you!
Jul. 8th, 2012 12:57 pm (UTC)
I am still chortling. Brilliant!
Jul. 8th, 2012 07:04 pm (UTC)
*snorfle* thank you, dear girl!
Jul. 8th, 2012 01:00 pm (UTC)
LOL! That was fun :)
Jul. 8th, 2012 07:05 pm (UTC)
hee! thanks.
Jul. 8th, 2012 01:03 pm (UTC)
*snorts* That was hilarious and sweet at the same time.
Jul. 8th, 2012 07:16 pm (UTC)
thanks! <3
Jul. 8th, 2012 01:13 pm (UTC)
LOL! So cute, and yet so deadly
Jul. 8th, 2012 07:17 pm (UTC)
ha! like Rodney himself.
Jul. 8th, 2012 01:17 pm (UTC)
Some people never learn, do they? Fun! :-D
Jul. 8th, 2012 07:17 pm (UTC)
some people are a little bent. :) but other people wouldn't have them any other way. <3
Jul. 8th, 2012 04:39 pm (UTC)

So cute! Loved Woobie Rodney, missing his cate and so remorseful of John's injury. But, beware! Oscar II is not letting go of his new owner without a fight. LOL

Loved it. :)
Jul. 8th, 2012 07:18 pm (UTC)
hahah, no he ain't. :))))
Jul. 8th, 2012 05:38 pm (UTC)
Accustomed to Your Face
That was adorable! And I agree with lazy_8s that Oscar II is not letting go of his new pet without a fight.

(I fixed a spelling booboo in the quoted bit. :grin: )

Jul. 8th, 2012 07:18 pm (UTC)
Re: Accustomed to Your Face
YOU DID. <3 <3 <3
Jul. 8th, 2012 07:21 pm (UTC)
TERRIFYING. I hope they return Oscar before Carson decides to boil him....
Jul. 9th, 2012 01:20 am (UTC)
I'm sure he gets home to his natural habitat safe and sound. And well-fed. ;)
Jul. 8th, 2012 09:33 pm (UTC)
That was awesome McShep and John and Rodney as always, but what I truly adore about your writing? This: The scissors snipped again, and then Kaan pressed his cheek hard with some gauze before taping a bandage over it. It crinkled uncomfortably when he moved his face, but he supposed he'd have to deal. Those physical details that suddenly visualize the whole scene for me. Thank you. ♥
Jul. 9th, 2012 01:20 am (UTC)
wow, thanks! can you tell I just got stitches? :D
Jul. 9th, 2012 12:01 am (UTC)
:::still giggling::: Very fun. Favorite line:
"His name is Oscar. Oscar Tennyson." "Oh, I'd say his name is 'toast' after this little incident," John said.

Jul. 9th, 2012 01:20 am (UTC)
hee! thankee! \o/
Jul. 9th, 2012 03:45 am (UTC)
Carson only has nine toes!! rofl
Jul. 10th, 2012 06:52 am (UTC)
IKR? best fun. :DD
Jul. 9th, 2012 05:00 am (UTC)
SO cute! Adorable. Love missing-his-kitty-so-much-it-hurts Rodney. Brave, brave John, taking on the ferocious golden-eyed fluff ball! And Poor, poor Carson, snert! Great story, great icon
Jul. 10th, 2012 06:53 am (UTC)
John is a trained military man! *cough* Thanks. Kitten icon by crysothemis. Lemur picture I made on icanhascheezburger.
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