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Title: The Man With the Plan
Author: esteefee
Pairing: John/Rodney
Categories: First Time
Words: 705
Warnings: none
Summary: Rodney is the hapless victim of baseless gossip.

The Man With the Plan

by esteefee

"So!" Sheppard said, striding into Rodney's quarters unannounced and nearly causing him to sever his fingers as he slammed shut his drawer in pure panic. "I hear you're the man." Sheppard cocked his head and eyed Rodney with a smirk.

"The-the man?"

"The Man, the guy to see—el numero uno." Sheppard leaned against the doorway and hooked a thumb in his pocket. "No less than three people told me today that you're 'it', and then they winked at me like there's some big conspiracy going on or something."

"Conspiracy." Oh no, this was not happening. Rodney had a good little business going, a small concern, no threat to anyone at all, with a tiny, trusted clientele, or at least he'd believed.

"Just so you know, Rodney, if you have a plan to secretly take over all Atlantis, I kinda wish you'd've let me in on it." John's lower lip, generous on the best of days, pushed out just a tad. "I'm good for some back up."

"What? No, no conspiracy, I'm telling you."

John frowned. "Sure, sure."

"I swear!"

"So you're saying it's just coincidence I'm hearing about this the same day Zelenka says you've hidden yourself away to work on some personal project of yours?" John tried to peer around him, but Rodney had already finished and cleaned up; only a few innocuous containers remained on the desk behind him.

"Emphasis on personal, Colonel." Rodney said, trying not to twitch guiltily at the hurt expression on John's face.

"Yeah. So personal everybody else knows about it." John crossed his arms.

"Don't exaggerate." But Rodney's perfectly justifiable pride in his accomplishment and the ever-increasing radius of Sheppard's lower lip meant Rodney couldn't possibly just let it stand like that. "Fine, just—keep the mockery to a minimum, if you please." He turned and pulled one of the plastic bottles from the drawer and held it out.

John walked over and took it, then turned it carefully in his hands. "What is it? Some type of new explosive?"

Rodney rolled his eyes. "It's personal lubricant."

John blinked.

"Custom-mixed from organic ingredients supplied by the hydroponics department."

John was still gaping at him like a drunken fish, so Rodney continued, "I assure you it's in heavy demand. So, yes, I suppose I could effect some sort of coup in the event any of my regular customers run out and start to experience severe chafing. Oh, I'm an evil bastard. Why, imagine the chaos! I'd have them right where I want—"

"All right, all right." John narrowed his eyes. "Lube. Seriously." He uncapped it and sniffed a little.

"That one's completely odorless, although I do make a flavored variant—"

"Whoa—hey, okay." A sly smile started on John's face. "You dog."

"What?" Rodney stuffed his hands under his arms. "It's a perfectly legitimate need for those of us with healthy libidos—"

"Oh, healthy, yeahhhh. I'm just saying—you been holding out on me." John hefted the bottle.

It was Rodney's turn to blink. "You, ah—"

John lifted his eyebrows. "You saying I don't have a 'healthy libido', McKay?"

"N-no. Just, uh..."

"And here I've been making do...."

"Making do."

"Yeah. And it hasn't been fun, I can tell you." John pursed his lips.

Rodney's throat seized up entirely.

"So, it seems you are the Man after all." And damned if the flirt didn't sneak his tongue out and wet his lower lip. "Welp, thanks a lot." John turned to go still holding the bottle.

"Hey, hang on there just a second."


Rodney shuffled quickly through his options. "Well, I am a businessman, after all. I can't just be giving away the merchandise."

John smirked. "Oh, is that so?"

The back of Rodney's neck was prickling, but he forged ahead. "Maybe we can come to a special arrangement. Say, for example, if I were to provide you with, er, samples of the wares, you could, um, help me during the rigorous testing procedures."

Now John was smiling openly, and he placed the bottle back on Rodney's desk to take a few steps forward so he was sharing Rodney's personal space. "You mean, like, fill out a survey form or something?"

"Yes. Precisely," Rodney said breathlessly.

John leaned in. "Just how rigorous are we talking?" he asked, his lips buzzing against Rodney's.

"Fuck," Rodney said.

"Sounds like a plan."



( 54 comments — Leave a comment )
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Jan. 21st, 2012 08:59 am (UTC)
*shivers* "Just how rigorous are we talking?" Ooooh. That was, for some strange and unknown reason, SUPAH HAWT!


I'd be more than willing to help out with that testing - especially if it involved BOTH of them. Goodness. *fans self*

:D nicely done.
Jan. 21st, 2012 09:02 am (UTC)

hee. I imagine, um, tolerances would have to be measured. increasingly.


(I just <3 your icon!!)
Jan. 21st, 2012 09:58 am (UTC)
You may, if you like, consider my brain melted. PHWAOR.
Jan. 22nd, 2012 01:22 am (UTC)
bwee! thankee.
Jan. 21st, 2012 10:17 am (UTC)
Oh, yes. Those boys are going to be testing it often, I imagine :D
Jan. 22nd, 2012 01:23 am (UTC)
to the manufacturer's specifications! \o/
Jan. 21st, 2012 10:23 am (UTC)
Fantastic. eeeeee!
Jan. 22nd, 2012 01:23 am (UTC)
heheheheh. :DDD
Jan. 21st, 2012 10:30 am (UTC)
This was delicious! Perfect voices, and mannerisms, and I could see the entire scene in my head, their expressions and body language.

And ohhh, those last few lines were ezquisite! \0/

Jan. 22nd, 2012 01:24 am (UTC)
<3 thanks, mezz!
Jan. 21st, 2012 10:55 am (UTC)
LOL! Loved this :)
Jan. 22nd, 2012 01:24 am (UTC)
hee! thank you kindly.
Jan. 21st, 2012 11:25 am (UTC)
*raises hand* I wouldn't mind taking notes of their... testing... for scientific purposes, of course. ;-D

This was fantastic, kudos!
Jan. 22nd, 2012 01:31 am (UTC)
I'll put you on the list. :D

thanks, debris!
Jan. 21st, 2012 12:55 pm (UTC)
um..yeah...blew my mind away...:D
Jan. 22nd, 2012 01:31 am (UTC)
bwee! :)
Jan. 21st, 2012 01:44 pm (UTC)
*giggles madly*

Yep, they so would!
(love how you described John's pout)
Jan. 22nd, 2012 01:32 am (UTC)
pout? what pout? :D

thanks, sweetness.
Jan. 21st, 2012 03:21 pm (UTC)

Jan. 22nd, 2012 01:32 am (UTC)
heh. :DDD
Jan. 21st, 2012 03:32 pm (UTC)
LOL! Rodney is The Man :) Seriously.
Jan. 22nd, 2012 01:32 am (UTC)
oh, but yeah. :))))
Jan. 21st, 2012 03:45 pm (UTC)
What fun... I suspect lots of rigorous testing is planned....

Very nicely done!
Jan. 22nd, 2012 01:33 am (UTC)
someone might have to throw a bucket of water on them. :)

thanks, goddess.
Jan. 21st, 2012 05:28 pm (UTC)
Oh God, this was so very funny.

Loved how furtive Rodney was and yet how easily he crumbled once John used his superpower.

No one can withstand the power of the Sheppard pout
Jan. 22nd, 2012 01:33 am (UTC)
John's superpower is mighty indeed. :D

thanks, darlin'.
Jan. 21st, 2012 06:26 pm (UTC)
The Man With the Plan by esteefee
Hahaha! Our favorite astrophysicist with a sideline of chemistry! Love his testing procedure! Thanks for sharing.
Jan. 22nd, 2012 01:34 am (UTC)
Re: The Man With the Plan by esteefee
thank you! I have a feeling he's raking in the contraband. :)
Jan. 21st, 2012 06:29 pm (UTC)
the man with the plan
I need to be on hand to watch this testing, purely so I can accurately fill out the survey, of course. :P

The pout of power! Who can resist? (Not Rodney, obviously.)

Jan. 22nd, 2012 01:35 am (UTC)
Re: the man with the plan
John categorically denies using the Lip of Doom. Just so you know.

Thanks, sweetheart.
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( 54 comments — Leave a comment )

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