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Title: c/o Doctor Rodney McKay
Author: trillingstar
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Silliness. Smut.
Word count: ~1200
Notes: Written for prompt #18, stand, on sga_saturday. Um, totally relates because ozsaur said "stand and deliver," and then this happened.
Thank you to ozsaur, for her encouragement and evil mustache.
Summary: A late-night delivery causes Rodney to go postal on John's ass.

Rodney's brushing his teeth with one hand and pushing off his pants with the other when the door chimes, so he struggles back into his pants and goes to open it. It's John, and he looks nervous, the cause of which becoming clear as Rodney takes in what John's wearing. His toothbrush falls from his limp fingers, and Rodney swallows down a mouthful of cinnamon paste.

"Are those Ronon's shorts?" Rodney asks, staring at the brown leather cut high on John's thigh.

John clears his throat. "I, um, have a package for, uh –" he looks down at his tablet, "– a Doctor McKay." He looks at Rodney, then pushes up the rim of his visor with his pen. "That you?"

Rodney gapes. "Are you out of your mind?" He grabs John by the wrist, pulling him inside. "This is a joke, right? Lorne's taping it?"

Stepping back, John puts the tablet on the closest shelf, then leans up against the closed door, hooking his thumbs on his belt, and Rodney's suddenly too-aware that his own zipper is down. John smirks at him, then licks his lips, and Rodney's struck with the memory of a particularly revealing game of Truth or Dare on Planet New Trading Partner last month after many, many, many mugs of basically-beer. "Oh," he says. It's all fun and games when it's Teyla who has to steal a pair of Woolsey's undies, but right now Rodney's certain that he let too much slip when it was his turn.

"Oh," John repeats. "So how d'ya want your delivery? With the uniform?" He runs one hand up the front of his brown T-shirt, plain cotton, which should look ridiculous paired with – and here Rodney's brain stutters over the words – what are practically hot pants, but as usual John could be wearing a paper sack and make it look good. "Or without?"

So Rodney has a thing for postal carriers. Starting with the mailman of his childhood, because there's just something about a punctual worker bee in a thick fur hat; at university, the Canada Post guys may or may not have been especially good-looking, but Rodney's always associated them with good news, given the multitude of acceptance letters and recruitment offers he's received; employment in the States introduced the practical yet sexy brown uniform of UPS workers, and dammit, the combination of alcohol and John's great wide laugh have rooted out Rodney's secret.

"Doctor?" John asks, and Rodney stares as John takes off the visor, strips out of the T-shirt, watching Rodney intently between movements. "I can deliver anything you want." His voice sounds smoky, seductive, and Rodney figures it's a good thing that his pants are open, one less step to think about when he could be thinking about John's mouth on his dick or what it would feel like to rub his hands up the skintight leather covering John's thighs.

Actually, Rodney's kind of proud that John's so good at the double entendres, because he's not sure he could choke out a single sentence with a lot of hysteria.

"It's a great package," John says, leaning forward, sounding like everyman's dialogue lifted from soft-core porn, "but before we go any further, I'm going to need your John Hancock... right... here." He cups his hand over his own crotch and squeezes, and Rodney bites his lip because the fantasy's just gone from lustful to hilarious.

Rodney shakes his head. "No, no, no, unh uh." He points at the bed. "Put it there, so I can make sure everything's in order."

Huh, he's not so bad at this, and then he almost loses it again when John waggles his eyebrows. "Sure, Doc, whatever you say."

John crawls up onto the bed, staying on all fours as he looks over his shoulder at Rodney, the lean line of his sun-tanned back bowing as he settles his weight forward, ass up, and just like that, it's hot again, so fucking hot. Oh yeah, Rodney's going to put his hands all over that merchandise, and he's going to start by yanking down those tiny leather shorts – they can't be Ronon's, no way would Ronon share, so where did John get them, and why didn't Rodney know – and then he stops cold, frozen in place as he catches sight of a glimmer of metal circled around John's balls. That is it, no time to waste. Rodney jerks his own pants down and grabs at John's hips, sliding his dick along the crease of John's ass and between his cheeks, transfixed by the back and forth, by the feel of warm leather against his legs; in his peripheral vision, he sees John collapse down onto his elbows, his body shape like a slanted 'A.' John groans Rodney's name and everything blurs, Rodney's shouting something wordless. He's got a good grip on John's leg, but he still falls sideways onto the bed, landing with a thump and a satiated sigh.

"Great delivery," Rodney mumbles, smearing his come into John's back, the feel of it a distraction until John flips over, legs spread. His dick's still hard, the head glistening wet. It's hot to the touch and John hisses when Rodney strokes him, the traces of come on his hand not enough lube for a smooth glide. Rodney taps the base of the cock ring just to watch John arch up, his hands fisting in the sheets.

"It's what you wanted," John grits out, and he's a little wild around the eyes, so Rodney speeds up his strokes, encouraging John to thrust against the steady pressure of his hands.

"With bonus leather," Rodney says. "So what's next? Biker twink? Greek slave boy? Prisoner turned gladiator, forced to fight in the ring for a senator's attentions?"

"You'd look great in a toga," John says. "One of those, those short ones. Spartacus." He's having trouble talking, gasping between the words.

"Kirk Douglas or Goran Visnjic?" Rodney asks, reaching up to pinch at John's nipple.

John's eyes squeeze shut. "Oh, god, Rodney, uh, um, K- Kirk, that, yeah, oh, I'm, I'm –"

"Gladiator it is," Rodney says, grinning, tightening his hand on John's cock, little jerks until John's shuddering, and then he licks at the come on John's stomach. It's the only time that John's relaxed enough that he doesn't double up with laughter when Rodney touches him there; he's so ticklish, and Rodney's determined to figure out more ways to turn John into a loose-limbed sprawl of satisfaction.

"You're not the only one who takes deliveries," John rumbles, stretching, kicking off the shorts.

"Mmmmm," Rodney says, content with his head resting on John's belly. "Wait, what?"

John laughs. "Milk run to M5X-920," he says. "Their whole industrial service sector is materials, remember?"

"Huh," Rodney says. He licks at John's belly again, watching the controlled flex of muscles. "So, can I expect another package soon?"

"Neither rain nor snow, nor gloom of night," John intones, carding his fingers through Rodney's hair.

Rodney presses a kiss to John's bellybutton. John doesn't flinch.



( 44 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 27th, 2011 08:33 pm (UTC)
Sep. 28th, 2011 10:45 pm (UTC)
Thank you! :)
Sep. 27th, 2011 09:29 pm (UTC)
Nice. I like the mixture of humor and porn.
Sep. 29th, 2011 01:34 am (UTC)
I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thank you!
Sep. 27th, 2011 10:50 pm (UTC)
Excellent delivery there!
Sep. 29th, 2011 01:35 am (UTC)
*snorfle* Thank you!
Sep. 28th, 2011 12:50 am (UTC)
lol! I'd love to see John in that outfit! :) that was fun and hot !
Sep. 29th, 2011 01:40 am (UTC)
I'm so pleased you liked this, thank you! :) And, although not exactly what I described, this was the inspiration:

Sep. 29th, 2011 03:33 am (UTC)
ohhh. inspiring indeed! *stares*
Oct. 23rd, 2011 04:33 am (UTC)

Oct. 24th, 2011 05:09 am (UTC)
I keep coming back to that D-ring, because clearly it's crying out for someone to snap a leash onto it and lead their hot-ass leather shorts-wearing, um, person away. And then my brain spirals into dark scenarios and fun ones and there are too many good things to choose from so I just end up staring. /blather
Sep. 28th, 2011 03:17 am (UTC)
Hoo boy - very hot and love the humour. And JOHN IN LEATHER, OMG!
Sep. 29th, 2011 11:45 pm (UTC)
Oh, good! I'm so pleased that you enjoyed it. Thank you!

Sep. 28th, 2011 03:28 am (UTC)

Everything about this is awesome. From "Rodney had a thing for postal carriers" to Planet New Trading Partner to John's "John Hancock" line to John being ticklish and Rodney wanting to turn him into a "sprawl of satisfaction". Just. GUH.
Sep. 30th, 2011 01:38 am (UTC)

Thank you for mentioning the ticklish part, I don't know why that delighted me to add in, but it did, so yay. I'm thrilled you enjoyed this.
Sep. 30th, 2011 02:00 am (UTC)
Tickling is an underutilised foreplay trope, IMO.
Sep. 28th, 2011 05:01 am (UTC)
MM, hot and delicious! Perfect for breakfast ;-)

Lovely imagery and I have a kink for people coming on John, so you also fulfilled that nicely, thanks *g*
Sep. 30th, 2011 01:40 am (UTC)
I would totally eat this for breakfast, every day. Mmm. :D

I'm so glad that you liked this, thank you!!
Sep. 28th, 2011 03:45 pm (UTC)

And John, you giant sexy dork, you :D
Sep. 30th, 2011 01:58 am (UTC)
UM. Your icon. TRES CHAUD. I just sort of snortled a GUH when I saw it. If that makes sense. I may be senseless right now. I blame your icon.
Sep. 30th, 2011 04:09 pm (UTC)
LOL, it is GUH-inducing, isn't it? It was made by rojimouse from a manip by tarlanx - and it's totally free to steal if you wish :D
Sep. 30th, 2011 04:12 am (UTC)
Mmmmm! So glad you approve. *g* Thank you!
Sep. 28th, 2011 03:54 pm (UTC)
This was completely delightful. I don't think I can even pick out a particular part, the whole thing is quite wonderful.
Sep. 30th, 2011 06:42 am (UTC)
Well, hi there! I didn't know you read SGA. *bounces*

I'm so pleased that you liked this, thank you! :)
Sep. 28th, 2011 11:46 pm (UTC)
Yum! Hot and funny too! One of my favorite combos!
Sep. 30th, 2011 06:44 am (UTC)
Yay! Thank you! And thank you for the inspiration. *g*
Sep. 29th, 2011 07:15 am (UTC)
eeee!!!! not only was this incredibly hot, but I nearly split a seam right here:

Rodney's struck with the memory of a particularly revealing game of Truth or Dare on Planet New Trading Partner last month after many, many, many mugs of basically-beer. "Oh," he says. It's all fun and games when it's Teyla who has to steal a pair of Woolsey's undies...
Sep. 30th, 2011 07:23 am (UTC)
I can totally see Teyla sneaking into Woolsey's Honored Leader cabin, with John and Rodney on her heels, leaning against each other and giggling. (Ronon was all, "No thanks, I'm happy leaning against this tree by the bonfire," as he eyed the rest of the mostly-full beer steins scattered around him.) And Teyla's probably not being quite as quiet as she thinks she is, and Rodney's like, "Shhhhhh... hhhhh... shhsssssshhh..." and John's all, "We're hunting wabbits!" and Teyla wants to know what a wabbit is, which sparks discussion, and they slide down the door of Woolsey's cabin to chat, and then Woolsey yanks the door open, and he's standing there in his pin-striped boxers, and suddenly they all remember what they're there for, and Teyla grabs a handful of material and says, "That's good enough," and John and Rodney both agree profusely. And then they all run away, breathless with laughter.

And Woolsey's like, "Criminy." And he goes back to bed.

Um. Thank you :D
Sep. 30th, 2011 05:39 pm (UTC)
hahahahahahha ack! (swallowed my gum) hunting wabbits I died ded. that's totally good enough, for sure. ::nod::

oh please. Please write Team Atlantis' Drunken Athosian Camp Shenanigans (the Continuing Series) and I will buy you a cookie. and a muffin. and a cat.

like the time they tried to set out in an Athosian canoe...which, as we both know, only has a single keel. you should never stand up in one.
Oct. 8th, 2011 09:23 am (UTC)
Oh, you mean that time when they were going to spend the night on Pleasure Island ("I honestly don't know why they call it that, Elizabeth," John had said, earnest expression fixed firmly in place and Teyla standing by his elbow to back him up, "Halling mentioned something about the joy of watching two moons rise -" and here Rodney interrupted, turning his snicker into a cough. "What? It's dusty in here! Oh for - look, we can hardly control where the Athosian council chooses to have its monthly meeting!") and John's pretty proud of Rodney for having dedicated himself so thoroughly to those balance exercises (his own benefits of Rodney straddling him notwithstanding, and the visuals of Rodney riding Ronon like a bucking bronco will never, ever wear thin - and if they do, there's always the memory of the look on Rodney's face when Ronon kept yelling out, "Yee haw!" because John had told him that position was called the reverse cowboy, and then there's the other time that Teyla brought those numbered paddles - totally for scoring purposes only, but damn if they didn't get Rodney moving faster after just a little swat), and after a few mugs on the mainland from Masorn's latest batch - it would be impolite not to! - they get situated in the extra-long Athosian canoe, with Teyla the navigator at the bow and then Rodney and Ronon in the middle (Ronon likes to be close to the thwart, because his blaster doesn't mix well with water, so they've lashed it there, and also, weight distribution, although no one says this outright), and John takes the rear (what? He likes rears. Sterns. Whatever.) and they're like, halfway there, with everything going really well until Ronon starts teasing Rodney about something, god knows what, and over Ronon's shoulder, John can see the tension building in the line of Rodney's shoulders, and he pokes Ronon in the back with the handle of the oar and Ronon shoots a thunderous glare at him, at the same time that Rodney's had enough, because he actually stands up and whips around, arm already raised, finger already pointing, and he gets out, "That is a complete and utter fabric-" and the canoe flips over, just like that.

Oops, my Team went OT4 as soon as I thought of Rodney on a balance beam (first: HAH, and second: but wouldn't he prefer practicing somewhere a little more... rewarding?). :D
Oct. 23rd, 2011 04:32 am (UTC)
hahahaha! OMG (what? He likes rears. Sterns. Whatever.) right there is where I fucking lost it, the canoe didn't even have to flip over just like that.

so glad you made it OT4, yis.

I can't believe I missed this, F-U LJ, and the lousy notifications you rode in on! YEE HAW!

thank you so! your brain is so mysteriously, wonderfully whacked!
Oct. 24th, 2011 05:14 am (UTC)
LOL! Okay, that was my favorite bit too. *bg* Well, and Rodney's inner 11 yo snorfling over moons rising. Imagine taking him to IHOP: "Moons over my hammy? Bwahahahaa..."

Glad this gave you a laugh, too!

your brain is so mysteriously, wonderfully whacked!
*flourishes grandly*
Oct. 8th, 2011 01:01 am (UTC)
*falls over laughing* Bet Rodney shushing Teyla is louder than any noise she's making.
Oct. 8th, 2011 09:27 am (UTC)
LOL. Yes indeed! Rodney's all caught up in the way that the shhhh noise feels coming out of his drunken, drunken mouth, and the hiss and slosh sound of it, plus he's trying to walk at the same time. "SHHHhhh... sssssHHh... sshhhshshshss... heheheeh..."
Sep. 29th, 2011 02:13 pm (UTC)
I am going to look at my UPS driver just a bit differently from now on! He's cute but he's no John Sheppard!
Sep. 30th, 2011 06:45 am (UTC)
Maybe he'd make the switch to leather hot pants. Just ask; that should go over well. *bg*

Oct. 1st, 2011 07:24 pm (UTC)
Oct. 1st, 2011 10:54 pm (UTC)
Thank you! :)
Oct. 7th, 2011 02:29 pm (UTC)
Funny, sexy and cute. :D
Oct. 7th, 2011 05:35 pm (UTC)
Exactly what I was going for! *waggles eyebrows* I'm so pleased you enjoyed this, thank you! :D
Oct. 7th, 2011 09:35 pm (UTC)
Rodney is one lucky guy. John's interpretation of the UPS uniform sounds really hot.

Also I like the sound of Rodney dressed as a gladiator, in a really short toga ;-)
Oct. 8th, 2011 09:45 am (UTC)
John's interpretation of the UPS uniform
You do what you can with what you've got, right? *g* He probably balked at having to wear a brown T-shirt, but overcame it in the end. Rodney would look great with a little laurel wreath in his hair and some kicky gold sandals. (But seriously he would. Toga!) I'm so glad you enjoyed this. Thank you!
Oct. 8th, 2011 01:00 am (UTC)
ROFLMAO! This was awesome! And you know you have to write that gladiator fic now, right?
Oct. 8th, 2011 09:54 am (UTC)
Mmmm, gladiator fic. Dusty, sweaty John in leather hot pants wielding a knife, quick-witted and quick on his feet? Yesplease! Perhaps he can cut Rodney out of that toga... *g* I'm so pleased that you liked this, thank you!
( 44 comments — Leave a comment )

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