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TITLE: The Dirty DEED
FANDOM: Stargate Atlantis - my "One, Plus Two, Plus Two, Plus One" 'verse
PAIRING: Parrish/Lorne (primary), Sheppard/McKay (secondary)
WORDS: 2,566
RATING: PG13
NOTES: This is for the SGA Saturday prompt "Spike" as well as my Trope Bingo Card for the prompt "kidfic".  In this 'verse, John Sheppard came back from a mission with two kids he named Zachariah Eugene (Zeus for short) and Meredith.  Soon thereafter, Parrish and Lorne decide on 2 children, but end up with two sets of twins.  This is set after the story "Bundles of Joy" and mostly focuses on Parrish/Lorne and their family.  The complete series is listed over here on AO3.
WARNINGS: NOT BETAED!  Also, beware if you have any PTSD due to babysitting a quartet of monsters. ::grin::
SUMMARY: The Athosians are brought back to Atlantis to ride out a storm, and David & Evan desperately need a night away from the boys - Dodge, Dexter, Emmanuel, and Elijah, known on Atlantis as The Dirty DEED because of their initials.

~*~*~

Monsoon season on Atlantis' home planet is generally something that occurs on the Western side of the planet.  But an unseasonably warm Spring causes a large storm to form on the Eastern side, large enough and powerful enough for Richard Woolsey to ask for the evacuation of the Athosian settlement to Atlantis.  It's been just 12 hours since the Athosian arrival, but already there were impromptu celebrations in the Mess, not that Lorne or David had noticed.  Since their four children entered toddlerhood, and progressed on to be four of the most precocious 5 year olds on Atlantis, David and Evan were exhausted.

Dinnertime was usually a comedy in and of itself, and since most of the parents took up one side of the Mess with their brood, at least the nightly disaster was mostly contained.  David and Evan usually ate at a large table that they shared with their four kids, plus Rodney, John, and their two children.  There was an unspoken agreement between David, Evan, Rodney, and John to keep an eye on each other's kids during mealtimes; it was impossible to actually get and enjoy your food if you were doing nothing but paying attention to the kids, and it actually worked out.  At least on nights when the five year old "dirty DEED" boys and the six year old Merra and Zachary - Zeus for short - were mostly well behaved.

"Hey," Rodney says, pointing with the ketchup bottle that he had just taken from Zeus to keep from squirting the condiment on Dodge's head.  "Isn't that one of your bakers?"

"Bakers?" Evan and John ask, voices in unison, turning to the general area Rodney had pointed.

David looks up as he takes a pencil away from Emmanuel (who was trying to jam it in Zachary's ear).  "Seriously, Rodney?" he asks.

"What?" Rodney replies, both men now getting curious looks from their partners.  "That's basically what she was..."

At John and Evan's looks, David sighs, saying, "He means surrogates, guys."

"Ohh," John says, Evan rolling his eyes a beat later.  "Gimpy or Purple?"

"You mean Gheema or Peerma," Evan says, shaking his head.  He looks up.  "It's Peerma."  Scanning the room, he adds, "I don't see Gheema.  Hey boys?  Hut hut!"  Each of his sons turn to him in unison - something only Evan was able to manage.  "How 'bout you boys go get our friend Peerma?" he asks, pointing to the Athosian.

Each of the boys get up from the table and make a mad dash across the Mess, pushing, shoving, and tripping each other until only Elijah remains on his feet.  He reaches Peerma first and grabs her hands, hustling her towards the table - his brothers getting up and running back with him.

"Mister Lorne, Mister Parrish.  It's so nice to see you again," she says as John splits up a slap-fight between Elijah and Dodge.

"Dad!" Merra calls from the end of the table.  She'd tried to separate herself from all of the boys on Atlantis Colony after Callum, Carson and Cadman's boy, pulled her hair on an offworld school field trip and she'd been suspended for knocking out one of his baby teeth.  "Can I eat in our quarters?"

"Dexter," John says as a warning to the boy, picking him up and stopping him from attempting to give Merra yet another wet finger to the ear.  "Merra, dinner's almost over.  Dexter, be nice," he says to the squirming youngster in his lap.

"Your hair's weird," Dexter says, then leans up, grabbing a handful of John's hair and giving it a yank.

The table erupts in laughter at Dexter's outburst.  "Yeah, yeah, very funny," John says, pulling Dexter into a headlock.  "Okay, where's his soft spot.  Are you sure it's covered up now, David?  If I could find it in this mess of hair of yours, I'd start pressing it until you forgot how to walk, little man."

"Noo!" Dexter calls.  "Help, guys!" he manages.

It's that moment that the four remaining boys come to Dexter's assistance, climbing and tackling John to the floor, Zeus saying, "Sorry, Pop!  Comrades before dads!" as he launches himself from his chair, effectively burying John under a mountain of kids.

"So," Peerma says, pointing to John and the wriggling mass of boys.  "I see things haven't changed much."

Evan, David, and Rodney would respond, but they were too busy trying to finish their dinner while it was still warm - everyone ignoring John's laughing calls for help.

~*~*~

Two days later Evan and David call the boys into the livingroom just before mealtime.  "Okay, gentlemen," David says.  "Even though you all act like a pack of wild hooligans, somehow Peerma and Gheema have agreed to babysit you."

A rousing round of "Awww" and "But Dads!" fill the room as the boys complain about being left for the evening.

"But nothin', boys," Evan says.  "Your Poppy and I are going to go have a nice, quiet adult dinner in the Mess, talk about adult things, and then go catch whatever the latest movie is over in the cinema.  And you four little terrors are going to eat dinner here in the apartment - that Peerma and Gheema are going to cook you - and then you're going to play quietly until bedtime.  Do we have a deal?"

The boys look resigned to their fate, so Evan turns to David.  "You wanna go get ready, Boo?" he asks, eyebrows jumping up and down with a bit of a leer on his face.  They had a private bathroom that could only be accessed through their suite, and a large shower that he intended on sharing with his David for at least a quickie.

David grins his acknowledgement of their plans, and Evan turns him towards their room, hands directing him by the shoulders when Emmanuel makes a funny, guttural-type noise.  He hears a 'splat' sound behind him, Emmanuel calling, "Dad!" a minute later.

Evan sighs, abandoning David to check on the kids.  He looks at Emmanuel, then to a shiny pile of vomit, and back to his son.  "Yes?" he asks, straightfaced.

Emmanuel just points to the pile, then clutches his stomach.  "I don’t feel so good," he says with as much agony in his voice as possible.

Sighing, Evan walks over to the pile, then leans over, picking it up.  It's a plastic piece of fake barf - just like he thought.  "Nice try, buddy," he says, tossing the fake vomit patty at his son.  "Remind me to let Ronon know you found his kid's missing toy."  He gives his suddenly pale-faced son a smirk, then turns to head into his bedroom.

"I told you it wouldn't work, dumbass," he hears another of the boys say, the other three shushing him to be quiet.

He goes through the doorway into his bedroom, then turns around, hanging on the corner.  "By the way gentlemen?" he says, garnering the kids' attention.  "No videogames for a week."  At the sudden crying out in unison he adds, "And I'm sure that there're some stables that you could help clean out, too," he says, and the room goes suddenly quiet.

Lorne thinks the doorway to the bedroom shut behind him, then quickly strips as he walks towards the shower he hears running.  He drops his boxers as he gets to the door and opens it, poking his head inside.  "Room for one more?" he asks.

David just smiles, then reaches out for Evan's hand and pulls him under the stream.

~*~*~

"Oh god, you didn't string them up by their ankles on the East Pier, did you?" Rodney asks.  "Although, I might pay to see that," he tosses out as he cuts into his almost-steak.

"Rodney!" John says, ignoring Rodney when he rolls his eyes.  "So...  Got someone to watch the Dirty DEED tonight?"

Nodding, Evan says, "Yep.  It's Peerma and Gheema's last night on Atlantis before they go back to the settlement.  They offered, and we took 'em up on it."

"Honey, you sure they're going to be okay?" David asks.

Evan sighs.  "They'll be fine, Boo," he says.  "Remember, tonight's our night.  Just us, talking about stuff we want to talk about."

"Yeah, you do that," Sheppard says.

"Hey, we can have a night where we don’t talk about kids, don't talk about diapers or timeouts or boogers or crayons or bedtime stories.  Or ripped up duty rosters," he adds, just to tweak his commanding officer.

"Uh huh," Sheppard adds, quite nonplussed.  "So what're you gonna talk about?" he asks the couple.

Evan and David stand there, first staring at each other, then turning and staring at John.  David sputters, but Evan finds his voice first.  "Stuff!" he says defensively.  He reaches down, grabbing David with his free hand and starts guiding him to the food line, then flips a laughing John and Rodney off with his other.

~*~*~

David and Evan manage to have a nice dinner, and sit through the entire movie without having to break up a fight, take someone to the bathroom, or even share their popcorn with anyone but each other.  After the movie, they take a leisurely stroll in the moonlight along the West Pier before they decide to call it a night and head back to their quarters.

"So how much damage, you think?" Evan asks with a laugh.

"Aww, c'mon, Ev," David says.  "We didn't get any calls tonight.  Peerma and Gheema did great, I bet," he says, adding, "I hope?" a second later.

"Yeah, well," he says as they turn the corner to the corridor where their quarters are.  "Sometimes it can be too quiet."

They slow their walk as they approach their door until they hear a gargantuan thud coming from their quarters.  "Oh god," David says, then reaches out and waves his hand over the door sensor.

It doesn't budge.

He waves his hand a second time, but again, the door doesn't move.  "Boys?" he calls through the door, and suddenly there's a cacophony of tiny steps and hushed voices coming from the other side.

"I got this," Evan says, then hits his radio.  "Lorne to McKay," he says.

"McKay.  What's up Lorne?"

"We're kinda locked out of our quarters," then winces when Rodney barks out a loud laugh.  "Yeah, whatever, Rodney," he says, trying to get the scientist to quit laughing so hard.  "Just tell me what crystals to move so I can open the door."

"Ev?" David says, a hint of concern in his voice when there's another deep thud sound from their quarters.

"Don't worry, Boo," Evan says.  He holds up a finger to indicate 'just a minute' and then goes to the crystal panels, following the instructions that Rodney feeds him.  When it doesn't work the first time or the second, Rodney conferences in Radek, who shows up in person thirty seconds later (since his and Miko's apartment is just around the corner from theirs).  Radek takes over with the crystals, and finally says, "Aha!" as he bridges the circuit with a spare crystal.

The door whisks open, David nearly running inside as Evan is stopped by the complete chaos that is layed out before him.  "Oh Jesus," he says, then drops his face into his hands.  He shakes his head, then takes a deep breath, looks up, and steps into the mayhem, ignoring Radek's chuckle from the hallway.

Both sofas are overturned, and the cushions are all missing.  He spots them in the corner, in the shape of a makeshift fort, with red, orange, and brown paint making a trail between the two, toilet paper, toys, and paper ripped up like confetti littering almost every other surface.  He goes to the stove and turns off a lit burner that's been on for god knows how long, finding a bunch of melted crayons in his good saucepan.  The boys are nowhere to be seen and neither are...  "Where're Peerma and Gheema?" he asks out loud.

David just shrugs, so Evan calls, "Peerma?  Gheema?"

"Mister Lorne?" a voice calls out from their bedroom.  "We're in here."

"Oh shit," David says.  In no time at all, he and Evan are standing next to their bedroom door, the crystals lying on the ground nearby.  "We'll get you out in a sec," he says.  "Ev?"  David gestures towards the door.

Evan starts putting the crystals back in the door when David turns his head, spotting something from the corner of his eye; it's the boys, sneaking out of their fort and heading to the front door.  Luckily David is closer to the door and steps in their path, commanding them to "SIT!" with one, bellowing voice.

Evan looks over, seeing their sons suddenly grabbing a patch of floor to sit on, and shakes his head.  He puts the last crystal in place, and the door slides open.

"I'm so sorry," Peerma says as she comes through the door, putting her hands on Evan's shoulder.  "It's my fault.  We were-"

Laughing, Evan says, "It's not your fault.  Seriously."  He looks into Peerma's eyes, shaking his head when she looks around the apartment and realizes just how trashed it'd become.  "Honestly," Evan says.

"Oh boys," Gheema says as she comes into the room.  She has the biggest grin on her face, and is trying to hide it.  Peerma glances at her and lets out a giggle, Gheema joining her a beat later.  "I told you boys," she says, shaking a finger at the quartet of crime.

The four adults shake their heads.  Gesturing around to encompass the mess, Peerma asks, "Would you like us to help you clean all this up?"

"No," David's voice comes from the doorway.  "The boys'll be cleaning this up themselves."

There're a few "Awwww!" sounds from the boys, though David quells them with a look.  "Thank you, ladies," he says.

Gheema and Peerma nod, then pull first Evan, and then David into an Athosian embrace.  "Anytime," Gheema says, a glint of mischief in her eyes.

After the babysitters leave, Evan crosses to David, and the pair sit on the floor in front of their children.  "So?" Evan says.  He looks each child in the eye, and it only takes a few seconds until someone breaks.

They get the full story on how the sitters got locked in their room, why the crayons were melted down, and how the toys and paper were strung throughout the room.  The only thing that eluded them was why Dexter's head was mostly shaved, a few tufts of hair glued back onto his head in an Alfalfa-esque spike, with paint smearing other areas of the freshly-shorn head.

"Okay, everybody in the tub," David says, standing up.  He quells their complaints with, "And when you're done cleaning yourself up, you're cleaning this place up."  Evan heads into the second bathroom and draws a bath, and both men supervise getting their children out of their filthy, paint-covered clothes, and into the tub.  "And get that all that paint and glue off of your head, Dex," he adds.

"Not by holding your bother's head underwater, Dodge," Evan says, shaking his head, Dodge letting his brother come back up from underneath the soapy bubbles a second later.

David and Evan leave the bathroom, shutting the door behind them and make it all the way to their bedroom before bursting out in laughter.

Comments

( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
wanted_a_pony
Jun. 1st, 2013 01:06 am (UTC)
:: blinks in astonishment at whirlwind of chaos ::

:: backs away slowly :: ~ :: turns corner, gallops away ::
squidgiepdx
Jun. 1st, 2013 01:20 am (UTC)
Umm, okay. That bad?
wanted_a_pony
Jun. 1st, 2013 02:46 am (UTC)
Oh damn, please don't take it personally--I should've explained better! I just have a very low tolerance for kid-chaos IRL so was rather overwhelmed by the mayhem & afraid it might spill out of their quarters & chase after me! (I was a youngest child & have never spent time with young children, so they are more alien to me than... well, aliens. ;-)

Edited at 2013-06-01 02:49 am (UTC)
squidgiepdx
Jun. 1st, 2013 04:46 am (UTC)
Oh, okay. That makes more sense. :) Sorry!!! I tend to torture David & Evan a bit with these boys. That's howthey ended up with four instead of two. ::grin::
esteefee
Jun. 1st, 2013 01:52 am (UTC)
"Your hair's weird," Dexter says, then leans up, grabbing a handful of John's hair and giving it a yank.

heh. out of the mouths of rugrats. :D
squidgiepdx
Jun. 1st, 2013 04:43 am (UTC)
Oh yeah :)
clwilson2006
Jun. 2nd, 2013 09:10 pm (UTC)
ohhhhh squidgie..... i like.... but.... you pinged my mummy radar quite badly there at the end. they're only five, and you left them on their own in the bath!!!
squidgiepdx
Jun. 4th, 2013 05:48 pm (UTC)
Oh yeah... Those four - well, we'll assume that Lorne and/or Parrish stopped laughing and went back into the bathroom to supervise. :)
fififolle
Jun. 2nd, 2013 09:18 pm (UTC)
OMG, those boys are too much trouble!!! Poor Evan and David :)
squidgiepdx
Jun. 4th, 2013 05:46 pm (UTC)
Well, they earned that nickname fare & square! :) Thank you!
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )

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