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TITLE: Ronon Dex's Pornstar Empire
FANDOM: Stargate Atlantis
PAIRING: John/Rodney
CHARACTERS: Ronon Dex, Rodney McKay, John Sheppard, Elizabeth Weir
RATING: We'll go for R, why not?
WORDS: 1,310
WARNINGS: NOT BETAED! Also, I've used ascii porn art as a separator. Yes, I'm a thirteen year old boy at heart. Did you know 58008 on any calculator spells out BOOBS when viewed upside down? :)
NOTES: Written while sitting in a class, bored out of my skull. Also, I had NO idea how to finish it, so it may be a bit of an abrupt ending.
SUMMARY: A first-time McShep AU where Rodney gets an interesting job to help pay for grad school.

(_!_) ( o )( o ) _/\!/\_

Legendary pornstar Ronon Dex had a reputation of being the most unflusterable man in the industry. Not only was he a natural from the first time he dropped trou on set, but he stayed that way throughout his decade long career. Threesomes? No problem. A bisexual scene? He was fine with that. Orgies? He'd just smile, pick a spot, then dive in. And at the ripe old porn-age of 35, he'd even won a coveted GayVN award for a solo scene, shot in the middle of the "D" of the Hollywood sign, high above Los Angeles.

Most had underestimated Dex when he announced the dissolution of his Falcon Films lifetime exclusive contract to open up his own video-house and phone-sex operation. But he did, was successful and profitable from day one, and did it with his usual laid-back personality. Most industry talk about, and interviews with, the man described him as, "probably the most unflappable guy in the porn industry ever".

New-hire phone-sex operator Rodney McKay had done the impossible; he'd flustered Ronon Dex.

Standing up (and simultaneously pushing his visible erection down), Ronon ends the interview and walks Rodney to the door of his office, his face flushed. "You'll do fine," he says, voice husky from want. Guiding the man out, he says, "New guys usually get a week of training, but I think I'll just stick you with Sheppard for the afternoon - maybe turn you loose on the phones tonight." After a beat, he adds, "You keep it up, and you'll have enough money for grad school in no time. Longer you keep 'em on the phone, the bigger your bonus."

"Really?" Rodney McKay asks, having the audacity to look smug.

Ronon cuts his eyes at McKay, then aims him for a soundproof booth. When the man inside motions, Ronon opens the door, the man saying into his headset, "You said you've got a dildo of my cock? Get it. I want to fuck you with it." He puts down his Sudoku puzzle book and waits a second, hits the 'mute' button on his phone, then stands up. "What up?" he asks, voice about half an octave higher than the deeper intonation he'd used for his caller - an obvious imitation of Dex's voice. "This the new guy?"

"Sheppard? McKay. McKay? Sheppard," Ronon says. "I don't think he'll need much training." As if to drive his point home, he adjusts himself, thick cock stretching down the side of his leather pants.

"Cool," Sheppard says. Ronon pushes Rodney into the booth, then shuts the door, separating McKay and Sheppard from the bustle of the office.

Rodney opens his mouth, but John cuts him off, leaning over to hit the mute button and then gestures for Rodney to put on the second headset. "Oh yeah. That's a mold of my real cock. I'm strokin' it right now, wishing it was your ass... Yeah, put some lube on the tip. Yeah, it's like precome... My cock's so slick, but I bet you're really tight. Oh yeah, I can feel how tight you are. Push it... Push my cock up your love tunnel."

"Love tunnel," Rodney barks out with a laugh.

John instinctively turns to Rodney, yelling, "Fuck, McKay!", restraining the urge to dope-slap the man before he turns back to his caller. "No... I said, 'Fucker! Hey!' - It's uhh... Lorne. Evan Lorne. Yeah, the guy that I fucked in Balls to the Wall Six. He just walked in... Let me put you on speakerphone. You're in for a treat - I may just fuck him while you shove my dildo up your ass." He hits a button on the phone, opening Rodney's line. "Say hey, Evan."

"Hey, stud," Rodney manages.

John reaches for a small electronic box near the phone, pressing a button that causes the sound of a zipper on the phone line. "Fuck, he's bigger than I remember. This is gonna be fun."

(_!_) ( o )( o ) _/\!/\_

After the threesome with their caller (which they kept on the phone for 67 minutes - a $100 bonus John promised to split with Rodney), John puts his phone on DND and they exit the booth. "Yeah, he's good to go," John says to Ronon, who's standing at the coffeepot.

"He use the soundbox yet?" Ronon asks.

Nodding, John responds, "Not only did he use it, he rewired the damn thing," Rodney beaming at him a second later.

"Seriously?" Ronon asks. "Cool."

(_!_) ( o )( o ) _/\!/\_

At the end of his shift, Rodney readies to pass his station over to the next worker. When a woman with short, dark hair shows up, he looks at her curiously. "What?" She asks, her voice artificially deepened to mimic the boss. "Ronon's an equal opportunity employer," she adds with a wink in what must be her regular voice's register.

"Elizabeth's the best," a voice calls from behind. Rodney turns, spotting John behind him. "She's got the best numbers of any of us. Although, Elizabeth," he says with a note of caution in his voice, "Rodney's pretty good. May give you a run for your money."

The woman nods, winking again at Rodney. "Have a good night, boys," Elizabeth says with a wave, retreating into a booth, the room dropping into silence as soon as she's gone.

"Hey," Rodney says as he grabs a cup of coffee.

"Good day?" John asks. He stretches, his tight black shirt riding up, Rodney's eyes landing on the patch of tanned, furry flesh that's suddenly exposed.

Rodney shakes his head in agreement, though his eyes don't leave John's stomach until the shirt falls back over the front of his jeans. "Yeah, I think so."

The pair stand there for a moment, Rodney finally breaking the silence with, "You, uhh... Wanna go get something to eat?"

"Can't," John says, scrunching his nose up. "Homework," he says, pulling a thick book with the title GRE/GMAT Math: A Systematic Approach from the backpack at his feet.

"That's not homework, that's grad school stuff."

"Yeah," John adds, stuffing the book back into his backpack. "Well, when I pass the GRE, it'll cause me to have homework."

"How 'bout I help you study?" Rodney asks. When John gives him a questioning look, Rodney adds, "I passed the GRE last year." At John's curious look, Rodney adds, "Just working to get enough money for grad school."

John thinks about it for a beat, then says, "Sure." He picks up his backpack, throwing it over his shoulder. "Where to? Library, your place, or mine?"

"I've got four roommates," Rodney offers. "So probably your place. Unless it's packed, too."

"Only three," John says. "But they're part of a punk band," Rodney rolling his eyes a second later. "So, library?"

(_!_) ( o )( o ) _/\!/\_

John and Rodney dance around each other for weeks as Rodney helps John study for his GRE test. When John shows up at the office one afternoon with a grin on his face and his GRE passing grade paperwork, Rodney finally kisses him, Ronon yelling at them to, "Save it for the callers, gentlemen." They have a long courtship, Rodney finally asking John to marry him the day after defending his thesis, John immediately saying yes.

They marry on the fifth anniversary of their meeting, on a warm Los Angeles day, Rodney's sister Jeannie at his side, Elizabeth at John's. Ronon's officiating raises only a few eyebrows, mostly because of the rented holy-man garb. And theirs is only the third wedding that year recorded in high definition by a professional porn crew (who was really there for Ronon to shoot a special "on location" scene for his website, of which the profits were to be set aside as a present for John and Rodney, for a real honeymoon one day).

They've vowed to lie to the kids they eventually want to adopt about how they met, until they're much, much older.


( 23 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 20th, 2012 06:56 am (UTC)
I grinned the entire way through this, and finally had to laugh at that last line. Yeah, not a story you tell your kids about when they're young :P I love the idea of Rodney and John working together in a phone sex booth though :D
Oct. 21st, 2012 04:46 pm (UTC)
Thank you!!! The boys are so innocent - when they're not talking dirty to each other, or the callers. ::grin::
Oct. 20th, 2012 08:00 am (UTC)
hahaha, omg that is so brilliant. I totally buy Ronon as the most unflappable man at anything, of course, but the master of a porn empire? I am so climbing on board that. :DDDDDD

and that's the best $100 Evan Lorne ever spent in his LIFE. :))))

Did you know 58008 on any calculator spells out BOOBS when viewed upside down?

yes, I did. also, I can spell SHELLOIL, but that's not as sexy.
Oct. 21st, 2012 04:51 pm (UTC)
Couldn't you see Ronon running his own porn empire?!?!? I mean, just look at him! :)

yes, I did. also, I can spell SHELLOIL, but that's not as sexy.
You just KNOW John did something like punch "538076" into his calculator during one of their study sessions, and when Rodney asked what it was, John said, "GLOBES - like your asscheeks." And Rodney rolled his eyes, then kissed him. :)
Oct. 20th, 2012 10:09 am (UTC)
There can never be too many fics with Ronon as a porn star!
Oct. 21st, 2012 06:18 pm (UTC)
Absolutely! :)
Oct. 20th, 2012 10:27 am (UTC)
This was fun. And I don't mind the abruptness of the ending. For us longtime McSheppers, there's an inevitability about their relationship. So, first kiss to wedding ceremony works sometimes -- we know how to fill in the blanks.
Oct. 21st, 2012 07:18 pm (UTC)
Thanks!! I'm glad - the ending just wouldn't come to me!
Oct. 20th, 2012 10:35 am (UTC)
This was just so much fun to read! Crazy wonderful AU, can totally see Ronon running a porn empire :D And such sweet McShep love, with a twist :) Thank you!
Oct. 21st, 2012 07:19 pm (UTC)
I have to confess, Ronon as a pornstar just seemed natural. And I love college!McShep fics!
Oct. 20th, 2012 12:03 pm (UTC)
HaHaHa love tunnel!!!!
You crack me up squidgi :)
Oct. 21st, 2012 07:20 pm (UTC)
Well John's not usually that cliché - Rodney must have flustered him! ;)
Oct. 20th, 2012 12:03 pm (UTC)
Snicker.....oh yeah need a sequel on 'How I met your Father'

Oct. 21st, 2012 07:25 pm (UTC)
That may well come about in the future! :)
Oct. 20th, 2012 01:02 pm (UTC)
LOL! Love how they meet :)
Oct. 21st, 2012 07:30 pm (UTC)
Did you recognize the porn empire bit? I stole the idea from Dik Steele's porn empire in Don Strachey's "Third Man Out". :)
Oct. 21st, 2012 09:42 pm (UTC)
LOL! I was wondering why it sounded familiar :) I really must re-watch those movies :)
Oct. 20th, 2012 05:52 pm (UTC)
"Love Tunnel"

I'm snickering with Rodney. Cute! :-D
Oct. 21st, 2012 07:31 pm (UTC)
Oh yeah... That was so bad it's good!
Oct. 21st, 2012 12:22 am (UTC)
Ha, awesome! This was super fun, I love the idea that they are all working the phones, pretending to be Ronon. Brilliant.
Oct. 21st, 2012 07:32 pm (UTC)
The part about Elizabeth wasn't supposed to be in there - but it somehow just flowed out... Thanks!!
Nov. 27th, 2012 12:22 am (UTC)
< snrk > What a hoot!! I can totally see a horny young!Rodney talking both Ronon & John into a flap. ;-)

I enjoyed this a lot, & certainly didn't have a problem with the quick segue from co-workers to dating to married. Also, please add me to the list of folks who'd love to read the future-fic where John & Rodney explain to their precociously nosy kid(s) with stellar Google-fu how they really met.... :-DDD
Mar. 31st, 2013 10:17 pm (UTC)
:-) :-*
( 23 comments — Leave a comment )

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