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TITLE: Of Sunsets and Silences
FANDOM: Stargate Atlantis
CHARACTERS: John Sheppard, Rodney McKay
RATING: PG
WORDS: 250ish + 560
SUMMARY: The aftermath of a conversation between John & Rodney on an Atlantean pier
NOTES: Please see the end for notes.
WARNINGS: Not betaed.  Also, this is dark, to match my mood.  UPDATE: Please see note at the end of the fic

~*~*~


Rodney leans forward, picking at a hangnail while his legs dangle off the pier.  John sits just to Rodney's side scrubbing his face with his hands in frustration, as if it can heal the raw feeling currently welling in his chest.  They share an awkward silence, the only sound being the crashing of the waves far below them.

The silence is broken when Rodney finally turns to look at John, the sound of material grazing against the rough surface of the pier grabbing John's attention first.  He turns to find Rodney gazing at him with a hint of sadness hidden behind brilliant blue eyes.

"How long?" Rodney asks, fidgeting like he's not entirely sure what to do with his hands, finally settling them on the warm metal of the pier.

John lets out a heavy sigh, then leans back, turning back to the horizon.  "For a while now," he says.  He nods, then finally turns to Rodney, daring a glance.  After, he pulls his knees up and protectively buries his face, trying desperately to get the image of Rodney's miserable and shocked face out of his head.

They stay that way for a moment, John rocking gently back and forth with his arms wrapped around his legs, his head resting on his knees, only stopping when he hears Rodney start to stand.

"Okay then," is all Rodney says, standing awkwardly over John.  A beat later, John watches Rodney slowly wander back towards the city, alone.


END NOTES: I'm deliberately leaving this open to your interpretation, as to what conversation they had, and how to take Rodney's reaction.

END NOTE 2: Now go read the new conclusion to this story here in the comments: http://sga-saturday.livejournal.com/116230.html?thread=2132486#t2132486  And to everyone who helped me through this tough period (and I think it's mostly behind me now), I owe you my love and thanks.
 

Comments

( 43 comments — Leave a comment )
elderwitty
Jul. 10th, 2012 09:36 pm (UTC)
Of Sunsets and Silences
You're mean.
squidgiepdx
Jul. 10th, 2012 09:40 pm (UTC)
Re: Of Sunsets and Silences
I'm sorry, sweetie... I keep trying to write (since I actually have no tasks to work on at the moment) but it keeps coming out dark.

Side note: I'm gonna add a "dark" warning for this. I should have done that before.
hoktauri
Jul. 10th, 2012 10:39 pm (UTC)
Re: Of Sunsets and Silences
If it keeps coming out dark, then maybe that's what you need to write? Trying to write myself out of a dark place only ever worked to keep me feeling that way.

*super squishy hugs*
squidgiepdx
Jul. 10th, 2012 10:43 pm (UTC)
Re: Of Sunsets and Silences
I think you're actually on to something. I actually just sat back and thought about it, and called Lisa (though got her vm). This story has actually been in my head for over a week now, and now that I have it *out*, I'm actually feeling a bit better. Not great, but it does feel like something has lifted.

::hugs right back at ya::
hoktauri
Jul. 10th, 2012 10:59 pm (UTC)
Re: Of Sunsets and Silences
Might it serve you to finish it? I assure you, fandom can handle the darkness. :-)
squidgiepdx
Jul. 11th, 2012 12:02 am (UTC)
Re: Of Sunsets and Silences
elderwitty
Jul. 11th, 2012 01:14 am (UTC)
Re: Of Sunsets and Silences
I meant you were mean to poor John. I can take it. :grin:

squidgiepdx
Jul. 11th, 2012 01:48 am (UTC)
Re: Of Sunsets and Silences
Wait - did I finally write woobie!John? :)
esteefee
Jul. 10th, 2012 09:45 pm (UTC)
EEP!! nooooo!!!! all possibilities sad! brain cannot process!!!

nicely done. :D
squidgiepdx
Jul. 10th, 2012 09:55 pm (UTC)
I desperately need to get out of this funk I'm in, but it may be here until I leave this shitty client... elderwitty is trying, but I'm resisting (I know! Like I can resist that woman!). Maybe I'll go read some crack!fic to help pull me outta this crap!

And now I'm better...and there's a conclusion to the story here: http://sga-saturday.livejournal.com/116230.html?thread=2132486#t2132486

Edited at 2012-07-11 12:02 am (UTC)
spikespet7
Jul. 10th, 2012 10:02 pm (UTC)
Then I dare you to finish this....what was on your mind when you wrote this. What is it that you want it to be that you're having a hard time deciding what to do with it.

Me, I think that Rodney found out that John has been cheating on him.....the question is with who...hmmmmm.

Or has John been thinking about breaking up because he can see the signs...but Rodney as usually was oblivious.....

Did John just open up that he's been in love with Rodney....hmmmm.

So many things that this could be......


Kimber
squidgiepdx
Jul. 10th, 2012 10:45 pm (UTC)
Thanks... I've actually been contemplating it in my head ever since reading your comment, and I'm starting to see some good peek out from behind the dark clouds. Maybe John did just confess that he was in love with Rodney, and Rodney walked away to go break up with whomever he was dating... :)

UPDATE: Thank you for pushing me - I did do a conclusion: http://sga-saturday.livejournal.com/116230.html?thread=2132486#t2132486

Edited at 2012-07-11 12:03 am (UTC)
spikespet7
Jul. 11th, 2012 12:35 am (UTC)
The run forest run......beat those dark clouds away and come out swinging.......

Kimber
squidgiepdx
Jul. 11th, 2012 12:39 am (UTC)
Amen! And thank you! :)
spikespet7
Jul. 11th, 2012 12:42 am (UTC)
What are fandom buddies for......we fight the dark evil together....we do.....


Kimber
hoktauri
Jul. 10th, 2012 10:36 pm (UTC)
*whimper*

Open though the interpretation may be, it definitely feels bleak. Lovely writing, hon.
squidgiepdx
Jul. 10th, 2012 10:46 pm (UTC)
::hugs::

This breaks my heart, too... But I had to get it out before it took over my whole being. I've been holding onto it for about a week now, so I feel better now that it's out of my head and on the (digital) page.
squidgiepdx
Jul. 10th, 2012 11:55 pm (UTC)
CONCLUSION To "Of Sunsets and Silences"
(You all were right - this did need to get "finished". Picks up almost immediately where the last one left off).

~*~*~


John sits a few feet from the edge of the pier, still haunted by the image of Rodney walking away from him. His stomach clenches, and he barely scrambles to the edge before losing what was left of his lunch. He leans down, head sinking into the crook of his elbow as if to hide himself from the rest of the world.

He stays there, unmoving. When he'd played "the conversation" over and over in his head, his declaration of love for Rodney was met with a beam and a kiss, not an unhappy scowl and Rodney's retreat. He lifts his head to look out on the sunset, muttering "Fuck..." as he once again buries himself away from reality.

He's not sure how long he's been there - a glance to the horizon says it's been at least an hour based on how low the Atlantean sun is setting - but there's the subtle 'swoosh' of an outside door behind him that gains his attention, though he refuses to look up. "Sheppard?" a voice - Rodney's voice - calls. After the minutest of pauses, the pace quickens, Rodney's heavy footfalls on the pier only diminished by his shouts of, "John? JOHN!", Rodney kneeling at his side a second later.

John doesn't want to turn, doesn't want to acknowledge anyone - much less Rodney - but does so anyway. He lifts his head, nearly startled when Rodney's concerned face meets his, and definitely startled when Rodney pulls him up into a sitting position, pulling him close.

John bats Rodney's hands away, wanting to be left alone. "What the fuck, Rodney?" he asks, turning away so Rodney can't see as he wipes away a stray tear or three that sting on their way down John's cheek.

"I thought..." Rodney says, but stops short. "What the hell were you doing, Sheppard?" he asks, once again trying to pull John close, this time John accepting the embrace for a second before pulling back.

"I just-" he says, then turns away as it to get strength from the sun, the water. Once again facing Rodney, he manages, "I just fucking told you...that... Fuck!" After another breath, he says, "I just bared my soul to you, McKay... Told you that I was in love with you. And what do you do?" John asks with a flippant tone as he pulls back, gazing out into the water. "You just fucking walk off."

Rodney sighs for a minute, then raises a hand and grabs Sheppard's chin to get his attention. "Because I was so fucking scared," he admits, his voice barely above a whisper.

John huffs out a cynical laugh and tries to turn, but Rodney won't let go of his chin. "Because I've wanted you, Shepp- John. A long time."

The pair sits there, Rodney letting go of John's chin when he leans up, resting their foreheads together, sharing the moment.

"You sure, Rodney?" John asks, the barest hint of a smile on his face.

"Yeah," Rodney replies quietly.

After a comfortable silence, Rodney starts to fidget, so John grabs his hand and manages to get the two standing again, knowing the decking must be hell on Rodney's back.

"Come on," Rodney says, pulling John towards the door. With a smile, he adds, "Hurry up, or we'll miss dinner."

And John smiles, squeezing Rodney's hand in his, and vows to never let it go.
hoktauri
Jul. 11th, 2012 12:08 am (UTC)
Re: CONCLUSION To "Of Sunsets and Silences"
Aw.... I love Rodney's fight to say John's name. What a lovely little coda. ♥
squidgiepdx
Jul. 11th, 2012 12:36 am (UTC)
Re: CONCLUSION To "Of Sunsets and Silences"
Thank you... And thank you for the encouragement! ::hugs::

ps. I adore your icon!
hoktauri
Jul. 11th, 2012 02:02 am (UTC)
Re: CONCLUSION To "Of Sunsets and Silences"
You're quite welcome, of course. :-) Glad to be of service. *hugs*

ps. I adore your icon. Mine is by omg_wtf_yeah. It's one of my McSheppy favorites. ♥ I also thought it matched your fic rather well. ^_^
elderwitty
Jul. 11th, 2012 12:22 am (UTC)
Re: CONCLUSION To "Of Sunsets and Silences"
Much better.


squidgiepdx
Jul. 11th, 2012 12:37 am (UTC)
Re: CONCLUSION To "Of Sunsets and Silences"
Thank you, sweets!!!
spikespet7
Jul. 11th, 2012 12:38 am (UTC)
Re: CONCLUSION To "Of Sunsets and Silences"
Way better than where my dark evil bad mind had went......

Whoo Hoo.......go McShep power go McShep power.....


Kimber
squidgiepdx
Jul. 11th, 2012 01:50 am (UTC)
Re: CONCLUSION To "Of Sunsets and Silences"
Yes! These boys are still my favorites!!! :)
esteefee
Jul. 11th, 2012 03:07 am (UTC)
Re: CONCLUSION To "Of Sunsets and Silences"
oh god, I'm so glad it wasn't the other thing.

yay happies! <3
squidgiepdx
Jul. 11th, 2012 01:30 pm (UTC)
Re: CONCLUSION To "Of Sunsets and Silences"
I couldn't just leave it... I mean that quiet, depressed side of me wanted to do it, but once I'd gotten this out, it was like a weight off my shoulders - and I had to make it right!
em_kellesvig
Jul. 11th, 2012 03:23 am (UTC)
Re: CONCLUSION To "Of Sunsets and Silences"
Okay, you just broke me and put me back together. Seriously, teary-eyed here.

(((huggles you and John and Rodney)))
squidgiepdx
Jul. 11th, 2012 01:31 pm (UTC)
Re: CONCLUSION To "Of Sunsets and Silences"
::hugs:: Thank you! I'm sorry I got you all teary-eyed, but writing this was cathartic for me; I finally got the darkness out of my soul. That's why there's the second part, because once it was gone, I just couldn't leave the boys like that!!! :)
em_kellesvig
Jul. 11th, 2012 01:50 pm (UTC)
Re: CONCLUSION To "Of Sunsets and Silences"
I'm glad writing this helped you. Sometimes, the best stories come from those hurting places inside us.

As for making me all teary-eyed, it takes a lot to do that so you get kudos for it! As an editor, I sometimes think too much when I'm reading. You made me feel this along with the boys. Powerful story, my dear, and so very well written. (((HUGS)))
selenic76
Jul. 11th, 2012 04:55 pm (UTC)
Re: CONCLUSION To "Of Sunsets and Silences"
Didn't really know how to comment on the first part. It left me with a sad feeling, both for the boys and for you. (though I don't know you, I know that writers moods often are reflected in what they write.)

I imagined a happy ending. For me it was necessary, though there is a place for darker stories too. Now I'm happy to see that you found the happy ending as well. Love is scary, but the boys are brave ^_^

Thanks for sharing this story, and something about yourself.
squidgiepdx
Jul. 11th, 2012 05:11 pm (UTC)
Re: CONCLUSION To "Of Sunsets and Silences"
Thank you for your beautiful comment! It means a lot to me! And yeah, I had something weighing heavy on my soul, and spitting out the first story was the way to finally relieve it. But once I was done, I had to write the conclusion story - I couldn't just leave the boys like that!
selenic76
Jul. 11th, 2012 05:28 pm (UTC)
Re: CONCLUSION To "Of Sunsets and Silences"
I had to write the conclusion story - I couldn't just leave the boys like that!

I know the feeling, can't write sad endings if my life depended on it :)

Glad you're feeling better! ^_^
popkin16
Jul. 12th, 2012 05:54 am (UTC)
Re: CONCLUSION To "Of Sunsets and Silences"
The first was good, of course, but I like this much better :D I love happy endings lol
squidgiepdx
Jul. 12th, 2012 01:42 pm (UTC)
Re: CONCLUSION To "Of Sunsets and Silences"
I do, too... But I just wasn't in the right headspace at the time - but I'm glad I got out of it and back into a happy one! :) Thanks!
popkin16
Jul. 13th, 2012 01:32 am (UTC)
Re: CONCLUSION To "Of Sunsets and Silences"
I'm glad you're feeling better!
lilyfarfalla
Jul. 14th, 2012 05:32 am (UTC)
Re: CONCLUSION To "Of Sunsets and Silences"
Oh boys!!! I finally just read this (I know, I'm awful) to see if there was a pairing I should label (I think I'll leave it as it was in your summary, if that's ok), and oh! I LOVE the open-ended version (and "dark" made me think of WAY darker things than unspoken angst), but I also love the hopeful ending!

I hope you're feeling better now!!
squidgiepdx
Jul. 14th, 2012 05:55 am (UTC)
Re: CONCLUSION To "Of Sunsets and Silences"
I'm behind in my reading, too - I got sidetracked by some Don Strachey fics a friend of mine wrote, plus my every-decade re-reading of all Douglas Adams works. :)

Honestly, yes - I'd love it to stay that way. I'd written it to be both ambiguous and dark; it was something I had to get out of my soul. I'd been carrying it around for a week, which was starting to affect my general mood. Writing the first bit was deeply cathartic and moving for me as a person. And as soon as I was done, I felt both relieved and better. That's half the reason I wrote a conclusion.

I'm *very* much better now, thank goodness!!! :) Thank you!!!
popkin16
Jul. 11th, 2012 07:42 am (UTC)
Ouch. I confess my first thought was why would you do that?!
squidgiepdx
Jul. 11th, 2012 01:32 pm (UTC)
This was more for me than them... But at least I made it right! :)
popkin16
Jul. 11th, 2012 11:04 pm (UTC)
YAY! THAT MAKES ME HAPPY *hurries to read*
hickman1937
Jul. 13th, 2012 07:45 pm (UTC)
I'm so glad you finished this. When I read the first part my mind immediately went to terminally ill. So glad to be wrong.
squidgiepdx
Jul. 14th, 2012 05:49 am (UTC)
Thank you! When I wrote this, I wanted to be as ambiguous as possible, because I *needed* it to seem bleak - for me. Writing the first part was cathartic; to get something dark offof my soul - but I'm, too, glad that I finished it. :)
( 43 comments — Leave a comment )

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